


'tis the damn season

by evenwhenitsraining



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, also partly inspired by the wish tree MV, go stream evermore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:42:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28093353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenwhenitsraining/pseuds/evenwhenitsraining
Summary: Seulgi doesn't wait, and Irene doesn't stay. (title from and based on "'tis the damn season" by taylor swift)
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Kudos: 19





	'tis the damn season

**Author's Note:**

> (written december 14, 2020, posted december 16, 2020)

The drive to Daegu in the midst of a cold, heavy winter is something that Irene is not something that she’s greatly familiar with. She has always associated trips back to her hometown with summer: the hot weather, kids running around splashing each other with water, when she could wear sunglasses not just for the sake of concealment but because the sun’s rays were unforgiving. On some occasions, she associates it with spring: the gentle breeze, the calm wind, flowers blooming everywhere. Irene has associated it with everything, but not the winter. Never the winter.

It’s not like Irene purposely avoids coming home during winters. Irene is usually busy during December, the winter, the holidays, whatever it’s called. Award seasons, year-end celebrations, Christmas movies, MC-ing jobs mean more scripts to memorize, more outfit fittings to attend, more rehearsals to perfect. Irene has long accepted that a tight and packed schedule comes with the previlege of doing what she's intensely passionate about and gaining popularity and a high pay for it, even if it means missing certain occasions and celebrations with her family back home. Even if it means losing friendships and other relationships along the way. 

Irene unconsciously drifts off to thinking of the time she missed her sister's birthday celebration, a family Christmas dinner, her cousin's wedding, and other events she had to decline the invitations for. She thinks of the crestfallen reactions of her sister and wonders what her face must have looked when she wakes up to a nicely wrapped box of the newest iPad model and a note from her Joohyun-unnie the next morning. She thinks of the disappointed yet understanding gazes of her parents when she rejected them over the phone. She thinks of what her aunts and uncles might have said behind her back when she skipped her cousin's wedding. Was it worth it, she'd find herself asking her ceiling on nights where sleep is hard to come by.

Irene focuses back to driving and passes by Sooyoung's family's house, some of its dark green paint chipping off, which was once one of the places she spent majority of her childhood in, before the dreams of making it to the big screen, before countless auditions. Now it's a only a turning point, a reminder to turn right so she won't miss her destination. Sooyoung is doing okay, Irene supposes, since they're at the same career path, they don't talk that much anymore but she knows well enough from bumping into the younger girl at events and script readings. The next one is Seungwan's house, just a few steps away from Sooyoung's and just as Irene remembered, still painted with the baby blue shade that Irene has associated with Seungwan. Her only communication with Seungwan is the freshly baked delicacies and heartwarming cards she sends during occasions and the occasional catching up that Irene sometimes forgets to reply to with the same enthusiasm. She knows Seungwan is still close with Sooyoung, so close-too close, maybe something more than friendship but less than a romantic relationship, something that was left unspoken to the rest of them when they were younger. Despite the secrecy, Irene knows exactly what it feels like. She feels it again when she passes by a sunny yellow-painted house and thinks of her.

The town gossipers have always raised an eyebrow at Irene and her. Irene would always insist that they were nothing more than sisters, a pair of best friends, and she would always pretend to not see the hurt dancing in Seulgi's eyes and the way she turns silent whenever she says that. She would always make sure to not hold Seulgi's hand too tightly in public, to not kiss her cheek too long while they're lying on the grass at Seulgi's backyard. She would always dote on Seulgi like an annoying older sister, but look at her like she hung all the moon and all the stars when no one else is looking. Gossips travel devastatingly fast, especially if one is the town's goody-two-shoes-girl-next-door and the other one is an aspiring actress trying to make it big in the city. Irene would always hear the rumors with her own two ears, voices lingering in the wind, but not anymore when she received a mail written with her first role on the big screen faster than she can confess her feelings, when she permanently moved to Seoul to pursue her acting career. 

Irene's car's windshield glass fogs up because of the cold, but she's not sure if it's because of the winter temperature or the chills she got when she thought of Seulgi. It's been a good while since she has heard from her best friend, and she knows it's her fault for being busy. Seulgi would always treat times when Irene comes back home to Daegu for a vacation like a major celebration, waiting for Irene with a warm hug and a promise to catch up, which Irene would always return with sheer enthusiasm no matter her exhaution, hoping it says all the unspoken I love you's and I miss you's between the two of them. 

Irene wonders if Seulgi still feels the same—if she ever felt the same with Irene. As much as Irene would like to deny it, it destroyed her, it put a slight ache, a dull pain in her heart thinking of the negative. Irene wonders if it's the reason she just can't accept her coworker's invitations of dates and dinners no matter how popular and handsome they may be. She wonders if it's the reason she imagines Seulgi's face whenever she's delivering her lines to her romantic partner in romance movies. Irene wonders if it would always be like that when it comes to Seulgi, if it's the same to her as it's the same to Seulgi. 

The next thing Irene knows, she's parking her car right by the space between the small town's school and her childhood home. Irene arrives at her parents' house and gets tackled into a hug by her sister Yerim, feels her cheek getting peppered with light kisses by her parents, feels her small body getting squished into a group hug by her family and she could almost hear all the unspoken and missed words and celebrations in their warmth. Irene looks behind their shoulders, trying to look for a certain monolid girl with open arms and a bright smile in the corner waiting for her, just where she would always be in all the past times Irene came home to Daegu. When she was met with nothing, she swallows back her tears and tries to ignore the recurring ache that weighs heavy in her heart. Irene puts back her best smile and entertains her family back like she wasn't just going through a million different emotions and conflicts a while ago. 

(Irene has always been a great actress.)

After she puts away a two days' worth of clothes and toiletries, Irene sleeps in half the day, just for old time's sake. She revels in the softness of her childhood bed, the flowery scent of her pillows, and the comfort of her blanket that almost doesn't reeach enough to cover her feet. Complete hours of unbothered sleep were rare in her field of work, and she treasures them greatly and tries to make the most of it even if she only has the weekend to stay in her parents' house. As Irene drifts away in dreamland, she thinks about how this is the warmest bed she has ever known, and when she opens her eyes and finds herself tangled up in Seulgi's arms, watching her sleep with a small smile on her face, she closes her eyes again and knows she doesn't need to think too hard why.

"Where have you been? You weren't here when I arrived," Irene mumbles sleepily, shifting in her best friend's arms. Seulgi chuckles quietly while Irene buries her head deeper in Seulgi's neck and breathes in her scent, one that she's so familiar with and could bring her calmness no matter the distance and the time they spent away from each other. 

Seulgi takes a second before replying, "Sorry, I was out with—"

Irene bites her lips, tightens her hold on Seulgi and cuts her off. "If I wanted to know who you were hanging out with while I was gone, I would've asked you."

”But you did.” 

“No, I didn’t! I was asking about what you did, not who you were with.” 

Seulgi laughs, gets up and tugs Irene's limp hand with her. Joohyun follows, stretching her arms and smiling lazily at her best friend. Upon casting a closer look at Seulgi, she notices she's already fully dressed to go out. "Come on, we have a long day ahead of us. We only have this weekend, after all."

"Where are you taking me?"

Seulgi flashes her a smile that turns her eyes into crescents, one that makes Joohyun weak in the knees and all the right places. "To fun and freedom, Miss South Korea's It Girl."

Fun and freedom turns out to be an ice skating date in a rink an hour away from Joohyun's parents' house, Seulgi paying for both of their entrance tickets and the rent fee for their skating shoes. Joohyun has to wear a cap and a mask for the sake of concealment, and for the first time since years, it bothers her. Seulgi assures her that it's okay, but it does little to calm her nerves of being caught by lurking media reporters and crazy fans. Joohyun also considers the knowledge that she does not know how to skate and the fear of landing flat on the ice, but Seulgi assures her once again by holding her hand tightly while they glide through the rink, but it does nothing to calm Joohyun's beating heart that she's sure is not related to her fear of ice skating. 

Seulgi records a video of a distressed Irene in her phone while Irene clings to her hand like her life and career depended on it. Seulgi laughs shortly before tucking her phone into her pocket and takes both of Irene's trembling hands and drags her across while skating, telling her animated stories of what she missed while she was away as a form of catching up. Irene could care less but she looks engrossed nevertheless, not in the hollow stories of people she barely remembers but in the way Seulgi is recounting all of them with visible eagerness. 

The monolid girl tells her to close her eyes and slightly loosen her tight grip on her hands, which Irene immediately refuses to, but with a little bit of coaxing and reassurances, eventually gives in in. Irene keeps her eyes tightly shut, silently cursing out Seulgi for letting her go, but when she opens them, she sees Seulgi beaming at her with the brightest smile she has ever seen on the girl. The creases between her forehead suddenly straightens out and she gets the urge to urge to do something impulsive like hit Seulgi or kiss her. 

"Yah, Kang Seulgi!" Irene lunges at Seulgi and the other girl retracts backwards while Irene advances forward and Seulgi's smile gets bigger and she's suddenly scooping Irene into her arms briefly then pulling away again. "You did it, Joohyun. You're skating on your own." Irene looks at her arms then at her feet and there she was, doing it on her own. 

(It makes Irene think of a sudden comparison in her mind, an analogy where she learned how to live without Seulgi after depending on her for the better part of her life, like how she learned to skate without Seulgi after leaning and holding onto her for half of the day. But she doesn't want to, she doesn't need to, because she misses Seulgi's presence in her life like how she misses the warmth of Seulgi's arms supporting her weight.)

It's only when Irene and Seulgi have retired for the day and are eating at the old Tteokbokki stand they used to spend time after school as students does she let the three words she's been keeping come out, heavy on her tongue and tugging on her heart, vulnerable in front of her best friend: "I missed you." Seulgi smiles and takes her hand and squeezes it. "I missed you too." 

Irene holds on to the way Seulgi's lips curve upwards into a small smile, the way her eyes close in pure happiness. She draws strength from the grip Seulgi keeps on her right hand, stable and steady. Irene breaks down the already crumbling walls she has built around her, strips herself away of her hard, cold armor, and lets out the words she's been carrying with her for almost a decade like a blessing and a curse. 

"I'm in love with you, Seulgi-yah. I've always been in love with you."

"I'm in love with you too, Joohyun. You have no idea." Seulgi pauses. "But we can't do anything about it, right?"

Irene nods and smiles sadly. "We can't." 

"What are we going to do, Joohyun?"

"I won't ask you to wait, if you don't ask me to stay." 

Irene and Seulgi let the silence linger, but it's not uncomfortable nor agonizing. Neither of them speaks after that, at least not in hollow, useless words or empty promises. There's no time for that anyways, since the sun has set and the moon has already risen. Irene's wristwatch is sharply pointing to the number nine, ticking slowly as if mocking her. They only have a few hours left granted to them to spend the rest of their time left together. Irene will spend tomorrow with her family opening gifts and cooking holiday delicacies before she returns back to Seoul on Monday. 

(The pain residing in Irene's heart is excruciating, blinding. It makes her desperately want to shout, to cry. Irene thinks of the way how she's leaving the love of her life yet again to go back to Seoul. She thinks of the way how she's leaving the only person who knows which smiles she's faking to go back to people she flashes a fake smile and start void conversations with for a living. Irene thinks of what would happen if she didn't pursue her career, if she stayed, if she didn't leave Seulgi in Daegu but instead left Daegu with her. Irene wonders if Seulgi will be watching her walk down the aisle instead of watching her leave once again if she did.) 

Irene and Seulgi walk hand in hand on the sidewalk, each second faster than the other, each step heavier than the last. The temperature feels colder tonight, a little more harsh and unforgiving. The silence grows daunting, almost like it's burning. The nearer they get to Seulgi's house, the tighter Joohyun's hold on her hand is becoming. When they arrive in front of the yellow-painted house, it's Seulgi who lets go first this time, with three words spoken in the chilly air and a warm kiss on her cheek. 

"Happy Holidays, Joohyun."

Seulgi doesn't wait, and Irene doesn't stay. 

Irene walks alone back to her parents' house, unconsciously tracing the invisible mark Seulgi's lips left on her cheek. The word love vividly forms and registers on her mind, but gets weighed down and buried with a deep sigh. As Irene's feet drag along the thick snow underneath her boots, she takes the path she always avoids to prolong her musings and swim in her heartbreak. She looks back at her track she has set, her footprints among the snow, Seoul and her acting career. Irene thinks of the road she didn't take, one that leads back to Daegu and Seulgi, and breaks her own heart.

**Author's Note:**

> i love the song and i love seulrene so i wrote this and i'm not even sure if it makes sense but i hope you enjoyed!


End file.
